Bear Necessities
by SushiSandwich
Summary: Kuma's rejections from his beloved Panda come to a serious head, among with a bruised ego and possible head trauma. But perhaps love advice from an unlikely source can make headway into Panda's furry heart! Can Kuma win the girl at last or be forever doomed to wander the wilderness?


**Intro:** _A silly story about poor Kuma trying to win Panda's love with unlikely help. But will he finally win the fair hand- uh paw of the one who has rejected him Tekken after Tekken?! I'm not hopeful but give the poor bear a break! Oh the disclaimer stuff, blah blah I don't own Tekken. If I did, Claudio would live in my closet and I would have a pet Yoshimitsu. Okay? Are we cool now? Good!_

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 **Bear Necessities**

 **Kuma, Heihachi's ursine bodyguard, was not the luckiest in love.**

 **It was one uppercut too many for such a fragile ego from the object of his long term affections, Panda. This particular swipe sent him crashing through Roger's house, descending from the roof with an almighty bang. Mrs. Roger promptly hopped out swiftly with a broom, no easy wearing boxing gloves. Roger Jr. and Alex are at the dinner table onlooking the spectacle while stuffing their faces, sniggering.**

 **Kuma growls in pain as Mrs. Roger and Roger heave him back onto his paws.**

 **(For the purposes of this tale, a universal animal translator has been recruited to add subtitles for their dialog! Thanks to him, we can have a in-depth glance into the world of Tekken's wild-life!)**

 **"Panda rejected you again?" Roger clicks his tongue as Kuma bawls on the couch, breaking it with his weight. "He owes us a new one," Mrs. Roger says crossing her arms, nodding towards the debris of furniture and roof slabs.**

 **"Aw c'mon honey!"**

 **"Don't you c'mon honey me!"**

 **As the kangaroos erupt into furious bickering, tongues clicking and boxing gloves poised for action, Alex roars abruptly and leaps from his seat, pleading in the most guttural and screechy manner, "Not in front of the boy!"**

 **Roger snaps, "Shut up Alex!"**

 **"Don't tell our guest to shut up!"**

 **"What is he even doing here anyway!? He's not evening paying rent!"**

 **"Oh like you do?! You're on your big furry butt all day while I cook, clean, look after our boy!"**

 **"You're** _ **seeing**_ **Alex aren't you!"**

 **If Kuma's head wasn't pounding from one Panda beating too many, the shrill raptor and kangaroo screeches were knives digging deep into his poor little bear skull. Being scolded by Heihachi seemed a Godsend compared to this aural nightmare, descending into a wildlife soap opera. Finally it all ends, Roger Jr. propping up the dinner table and throwing it at the squabbling huddle, a mess of wood and planks everywhere.**

 **"Stop fighting!" The little kangaroo yells, slamming a boxing glove into Mokujin who was there for some reason and was nodding in agreement. "We have to help Kuma!"**

 **"Yeah!" Alex scratches his scales idly, "We gotta help him win the heart of the fair Panda!"**

 **Roger elbows his wife with a suggestive wriggle of brows, "Who knows about women better than me?" Mrs. Roger rolls her beady eyes, dismissing this with a haughty huff. The animals soon rally around Kuma, shouting out their various ideas for pitching woo.**

 **"Poetry!" suggests Mrs. Roger, "Women love it when you express your feelings!"**

 **"That's stupid!" Roger shakes his head, "Feelings! That's a funny one!"**

 **"Shut up jerk!"**

 **Alex pipes up, "You should be honest and upfront about how you feel! Women love a man who is confident!"**

 **Roger Jr. gags, "Girls are gross! Not Mom though, she's pretty cool!" Mrs. Roger ruffles Roger Jr's head with a smile and Kuma looks on dumbly, dumbfounded by all these suggestions. His paw had seen many chocolate boxes and bouquets swiped by Panda's paw of furry fury, his many declarations of love spat on and his heart shattered to a billion pieces taped together by persistence and belief in true love conquering all. No other bear on earth compared to Panda!**

 **"Poetry!"**

 **"Honesty!"**

 **"Smooth talking sass!"**

 **"Ew! Girls are gross!"**

 **Suddenly the door bust open with explosive aplomb. "Those are all dumb ideas!" the figure at the entrance said rudely, punching the door frame casually aside.**

 **It was Paul Phoenix!**

 **"Get outta the way you mangy animals!" Paul yells, "I'm gonna help Kuma win the girl!"**

 **Kuma was puzzled. Paul and him weren't exactly the best of friends, a rivalry that stemmed from even before he was born. Kuma's father had often grumbled this and that about some idiot who had more hair gel than sense, putting up photos and swiping at them. Many a wall was destroyed during Kuma's adolescence.**

 **"My house!" Roger angrily winds a fist in Paul's direction, missing spectacularly and goes through a wall himself.**

 **"I know all about the ladies! I'm number 1!"**

 **Kuma wanted to laugh. Paul was not exactly a self-proclaimed ladies man, many a woman sending that leather clad has-been so far packing that he should technically not even be alive.** _ **Still stupidity is hard to kill.**_ **Paul the love master and Kuma the unlucky protege.** **But** **Kuma would do anything to win Panda's paw! Even listen to stupid morons. Visions of their future happy life together flooded behind glassy eyes, the wedding would be bright and wonderful shrouded by bamboo sticks and endless pits of salmon for wedding food, they would stroll and frolic through meadows, Heihachi would be best man, oh it is a wonderful future they are destined for!**

 **There was wisdom at the bottom of the barrel after all and the only way was up!**

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**

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 **Outro:** _Paul Phoenix, master of love?! I wonder what he has in store and if he can help Kuma. SPOILER, I seriously doubt it._ XD _Marshall and Forrest would probably butt in with their own advice too. I have a hunch this will go horribly for poor Kuma...Hope you guys enjoyed it! xox_


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